I will try to do this as diplomatically as possible.
First:
-My junior year is over.
-Living on campus costs me 10,000 in loans every year. I do not live at home and commute because of the physical/mental/emotional stress the house puts me through. I have an intense neurosis of unorganized and umanaged possessions.
-My decision to combat this was to live in an apartment somewhere for cheaper rent than on campus (750 per month per person in a 4 person apartments)
-My parents pay for nothing unless I hassle them, and even then the only thing I generally get is books and, this past year, photo supplies.
-I do not have a car. My younger brother gets the car.
-They make more than enough money to survive and enjoy themselves and support a regular family. My mom is a government worker. But the money goes away somehow, and they barely get groceries per week.
-They wanted me to come live at home again, like in high school, but living at home means I get a bed and no space. I used to sleep in my now 10 year old sister's room. She is a slob, but that's to be expected (she is only 10.) This also means I am restricted as far as how much I get to see my boyfriend/fiance.
-They wanted to use my $10,000 loans to fix up our old doublewide and have me live at home in this doublewide instead. It has been uninhabited for 6 years. It has no carpet, running water, it has water damage, the roof is caving in, it smells like cat pee because of all the cats that had been in it, it is standing on cinderblocks, and there is a gigantic 4 foot hole in the particleboard floor. The amount of time and money to fix this thing is not available.
-They also wanted me to commute to school every day with my brother, who is going here for general studies in the fall. This will not work because I work late night work shifts on campus, and this means that my brother would have to wait around for 9 hours after his classes were finished for me to be done working. With how restrictive they are on gas, this makes no sense.
-My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. He has worked hard to impress my family. He has also worked hard to prove he is responsible, which in reality, he is the most responsible person I know. He bought them a 200 dollar really nice microwave for Christmas. Which, by the way, replaced my PERSONAL one that I let them use (that they blew up) when the old one died. However, despite the copious amounts of time and money my boyfriend has spent on my family, my father still claims he doesn't "know" him. This is of course after working on our gutters, helping with turkey processing when he was dead tired, taking 4 trips up to Amish country for ONE straw hat that never seemed to fit, many days of KFC (my dad's weak point) and shoefly pie, pizza, a goose dinner... the list goes on and on. My boyfriend was nothing but respectful and happy to do all these things for my father, and after this weekend he doesn't even get acknowledged
-My father said to me that when I get married, it's not just about my decision, because it means that he is accepting another son into the family.
-We are a very strong couple, and we are very good at communicating with each other. We can both attest that we are getting married and will be old farts together.
-We have already started making wedding plans. He has asked many times if I will marry him, and I have said yes every time. These are not the official 'pop the question' times- he thought he would on Valentine's day this year, and I have a beautiful emerald ring from it, but he didn't signify what the ring was for and then didn't do the real asking. Mostly because I wanted my father's blessing for it first. So since the ring was just a Valentine's present, we/he are/is thinking about either a ring wrap/guard or another ring entirely for the formal proposal.
-He went over to my parents' house a month ago to get permission. I was about to lose my mind because I was in classes for 5 hours and I still had not heard back. As it turns out, he spent the entire time helping my dad install our 8-year-overdue working dishwasher and talking together, having a generally good time (my boyfriend is very good at reading people as well) and was about to give my father the reason for the visit when my mother walked in and started spazzing about the squeaking sounds that the dishwasher spring was making, and then proceeded to argue about if the directions were followed correctly.
-A week or so later, we went back over again so the IT degree/Nurse boyfriend could remove an internet porn virus from our Macs. (however in the world that got there...ugh) My parents had company over and my mother introduced my boyfriend as my "f-ff--ffff-friend", almost saying "fiance" but catching herself. Then after we repeatedly teased her, she admitted what she was going to say, then proceeded to say "don't go doing that anytime soon" and then my "friend" said, "don't worry, I plan to take all the proper steps, ask permission, etc." Since my mother had said "name your price" as for fixing the computers, my boyfriend asked to "upgrade" and my mom seemed to get it. She did not tell my father apparently.
This past week's events:
-I made up a reason to not come home: I said I had applied for and gotten an on-campus job that provides housing for the summer and allows me to also take summer classes. This also meant I saved money, because the job pays minimum wage as well. It is a real job, I just did not apply for it because I knew I did not want the job (I don't want to work with the school's football players. They really aren't good people.)
-In this amount of time, my mother kept pressuring me about what the job details were. It was very annoying because even if I had gotten the job, I would not have known more than I had told her.
-I told my parents I would not be coming home and that my things would be moved that Friday. Then, I would be going down to Morgantown for a graduation party weekend. I had arranged for my mom's Mother's day present to get to her Sunday.
-Boyfriend was uncomfortable with my lying to them. I called my great aunt, who suprisingly to me, is supportive of our living together, and she gave me advice.
- I went down for the weekend, came back, told my dad the truth.
- Had wanted mom to be there too to tell her, but she decided to stay at work and I couldn't take it any longer.
Responses: [i am lowercase and in color]
(Dad alone)
-I shouldn't tell you this probably, but your mother had nowhere to go, nowhere at all when she graduated, and we lived together before we got married.
-I am not just getting a son-in-law. This is a difficult time for me because I'm picking up another son.
-I would rather you just get married. Why don't you just get married tomorrow? Hell, it's just a piece of paper.
[no dad, I have planned for a wedding my entire life. I want it to be big and beautiful. I'm not going to get the paper and then party later. when you put off the ceremony, you never get to it. ]
-I don't really know him. He's only been here a few times. He makes light of Christianity. I want to be able to know that my grandchildren will have knowledge of the faith and will be brought up in it
[oh, they'll have knowledge all right. they'll know about it. (I have some issues with the Bible and "Christianity"]
-But why don't you just get married.
-He hasn't even asked me yet. I made it a point to ask my father-in-law for his permission.
[oh, I guess mom didn't tell you... firstly, when he came over and helped with the dishwasher he was about to ask, then mom came in and started freaking out about the springs. then, when he came over to fix the computers, he told mom that he would like it if she didn't get worked up about him wanting to 'upgrade from ffffriend' in the very near future. she understood.]
- You should really be married first. Just get married now and have the party later. I'm sure that your grandparents would respect you if you did that. They got married in front of two other couples in their living room and then had their party at their 25th anniversary.
[i don't have the money yet for the ceremony. we need this time to prepare for it.]
(Mom) 1 week later
-We have plenty of money to support you. When you need something we give it to you. We are not starving. We pay for your medical and car insurance.
-If this is about independence, this is the wrong way to go about doing it. If you want to be independent, go get your own place. If it's about just "playing marriage" which is what you're doing, it's wrong.
-You should not live together unless you are married.
[the commitment is there; we plan to get married. (this annoyed me; I did not want to be the one that told my parents this. they never believe me. they aren't supportive. i wanted my boyfriend to ask and then surprise me with a proposal and a ring, like EVERYONE ELSE)]
-If the commitment is already there, just get married.
[marriage/weddings are just a social tradition. it's a piece of paper that says you're together.]
-Why do you think the gays want to get married so much? It's because of the money and retirement.
[no, it's because they want social recognition of their rights.]
-No it's not. And my marriage *sob* was a pact in front of God and to God that your father and I would be married under him.
[in that case what was to stop you from standing out in the woods and proclaiming your marriage to God and then leaving it at that.]
-You still have to sign the papers.
[yeah, so society recognizes you. and then you have the ceremony.(nowhere in the Bible does it require you to have a preacher and a piece of paper turned in to the government.. there are many discrepancies about biblical marriage)]
-No, it was between us and God! Society didn't matter!
[(at this point I gave up arguing) alright, so can my mail keep coming here, or do you want me to transfer it.. i know you want to see me, and mail gives me another reason to come home]
-We will continue to give you a leg up by paying the interest on your loans, but have your mail sent elsewhere.
My dad's closing blow: "You know, John McDonald once told me that when his daughter made the same decision, his heart was broken. I know now how he feels."
[you know, I only told you these things because I love you. I wouldn't have told you if I didn't.]
And with that, I left in tears.
This whole thing hurts not because I did anything wrong, (yes, I did lie, but I came clean soon after) but because of how they treated me like I knew nothing. I have thought all of this through. I see nothing going wrong with this moving situation. This leaves me (and my boyfriend) $10,000 less in the hole (because my parents can't pay for my college at all, so I have loans. also, my mother makes too much money for me to be considered for many scholarships and grants. This is not temporary. We plan on living here until I am finished school, then moving to the city he works in for 5 years after I graduate. This is a part of my life that I am excited for and happy about.
Every summer when I'd come home from school I would be miserable. I refused to sleep inside. I crashed in a tent. I did everything I could to not go home, and that's why I did it again. My family is a den of packrats in denial. They do not know how to keep things clean or take care of money. They should. Leaving home for the first day of school is the happiest day of my year. Holidays disgust me because I have to leave my clean, organized things and go back. If I don't, my mother goes back into a depression spiral and that's not good for anyone. Do I have a problem? I don't know.
My biggest fear is that I will be horrible with money. And as of right now, that is the case- I have very little in savings and checking accounts because I've had to provide myself with things that I want/need. I'm getting better, but very slowly. It's also difficult for me to land a job because I lack a vehicle, and as such I can't get a job in my field- say, an internship 20 minutes away. And why my parents are paying for car insurance for me, then blaming it all on Obamacare, it is beyond me.
Also, living together is not new to us. He stayed with me in my room many nights a week during his last semester at school because my old roommate commuted home to live with her fiance, and she was a very chill roomie. I miss her :)
AMA.
